DAZED AND CO.NFUSED

...........this morning finds me in the thick fog that is always lurking in my damaged brain , I don't know how I feel , where I am or what I have been thinking . it is like a meditative state. I have no memory of my arrival in this cocoon of nothingness , unfortunate as this is a path I'd prefer to avoid in future . I am not a being who craves peace , silence , transcendental interludes , my thought process has always been the product of a chaotic mind , a place of turmoil and conflict , loud altercations within the various regions of my grey matter , not that I was without balance I had finally it seemed come to my happy place . the resignation that like it or not this was who I was. and I miss that , the assurance and the acceptance of me . it was a loud place to live an impossible in your face argument prodding for a fight with a soundtrack that set the nerves on edge , nothing like this thick muted fog of in decision and confusion, I feel lost , unsure , my former self would just lose his shit here he had a desire to find peace and quiet but didn't have a passport , sigh , better look for a door ! god this place is annoying , screw the door , I gotta find a volume knob at least I can walk here , although my footsteps are too quiet I try to yell to scream my frustration out , nothing , bloody leg works but not my voice., I need a guitar , some garbage cans to bang together, god help me a banjo or a trumpet(I suck at trumpet!!). My life these days , is as calm and quiet as my Dar can make it , my stress level has dropped. into the basement , I guess I always felt I was a bastion against the forces of stress and chaos , manning the walls, eyes peeled listening for the cacophony of the approaching hoard , that part of my identity has been dismissed , services are no longer required for me chaos and noise equals purpose . my life has everything I need right now , love care , affection , a true and dedicated companion but the protector inside me the guardian against invading hordes is bored and feels useless. in the long dark dusty hallway of the attic in my mind the doors I fear opening the most reveal empty rooms , they are quiet and foggy like this place and so , my fellow warriors , should you find yourself in this cotton candy place and you hear a lunatic screaming or blowing on a trumpet , wander over and say hello , and make some damned noise would you !....Phil