Emotional is not a word that was used to describe the old , pre-stroke version of Phil. I was a big , gruff , pissed off looking man with 30 years of the trucking industry in his blood . Mind you I did have those moments when my children were born , loved ones passed or old yeller died that I felt the welling of tears but those moments were rare.
Sce entering the borders of strokeland though I am like a fountain , my emotional state is sent tumbling wildly by something as simple as an unexpected episode of SpongeBob Squarepants ; any of the many frustrations I feel (and cause)can set off the waterworks .
The battle being waged within me to avoid "feeling sorry for myself" becomes just another reason to "feel sorry for myself". I am still here , in the captain's chair , on the bridge , in the "head" office , sending out messages and directives to the department heads in emotional control and to the sound engineers in voice control to keep things level and calm.
The voice deep and authoritative, stop the tears , turn up the gruffness please , but the signals are getting lost , going to the wrong departments , the supervisor in right foot heel control is checking messages and asking "turn off what friggin tears?", Like my affected limbs , I feel my emotions , know they're there , I know they function but I have no control over them.
The hierarchy has broken down. It amazes me that the same ol captain is yelling about losing control over everything when he is the ingenious navigator who steered our course into this blasted and devastated place , I can only hope he gets his shit together soon and beams me outta here, this amusement park ride my brain has put my emotions on is maddening , and it's not only me up here in the lead car , my angelic wife is right there beside me and neither of us care for this kind of roller coaster.
My inner voice is saying " Be strong for her !" and "You should be a strong supportive shoulder for her right now " "DO IT !!!!and instead , here I am , a weepy bloody mess and I can't make it stop . I am a lucky man , she is the stronger of us and she has been through similar disconnects with her own brain , she understands , and loves me and is strong and a supportive shoulder ,, she is what she has always been , JUST WHAT I NEED ...I LOVE HER COMPLETELY(oops gonna cry)and so my dear survivors , I'll be back(unless OldYeller comes on tv) see ya at the kleenex box Phil
About Us
- phil
- When one partner suffers a stroke; life is turned upside down, but when you have both partners who have been struck with a serious illness; it can be a devastating blow I was the first one at 47 years of age to suffer with what doctors call a series of thunderclap migraines which resulted in a bleed on the right side of my brain a Cerebral Hemorrhage). After a long series of tests, MRI's, and CT scans, the doctors referred to my "stroke" as "Call Fleming Syndrome"; The date was November 19, 2011. I will never forget that day. Then on July 29, 2014 Phil at 53 was struck down with a massive stroke which resulted in a bleed in the (Basal Ganglia) this was a day that dampened what was the beginning of a joyous summer ;( we had two sons marry Nick in June and Cory in July) This blog voices Phil's experiences on learning to live and walk again. We hope to share our story , experiences, frustrations, and how we have had to struggle, but at the same time still find joy in being together and being alive will help others not only find hope but better understand what a stroke is and steps to take to help avoid one. Each day we find new reasons to get up and do it all again.
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