June 22/2015
I never plan these
little jaunts into my devastated brain landscape ahead of time ; I just go with
what's there when I awake each day . Today’s subject is fear . I've said
recently that one of the keys of survival is to be available and ready to rock
when confronted with challenges like physio therapy, it is so important to rise
to the challenge, take some control over your recovery, having said that I will
chat about the trepidation that travels along side of challenge.
I have a
bi-weekly physio appointment today, I will most likely do things I have done before,
sit to stands, some walking with my quad cane in the hospital hallway and I
have awakened afraid.
What if I can't do it? If I fall? All of the amazing
amount of multi-tasking involved in the act of walking is weighing heavily on
me today. Now these are things I can do. Can do well. I meet the expectations
that I should , have several times , it doesn't help things knowing that it is
the act that seems to prompt therapists to throw new wrinkles my way ,
"lets walk on the grass !" , "go outside" , "without
the cane!!" and I know that I have my own expectations to overcome , my
own doubts.
I'm not as worried about not meeting the expectations of others as
I am having to realize I have reached the full extent of my rehabilitation . I
am terrified of that moment . so I'm gonna go to physio , gonna grab onto my
recovery and make it my bitch !I'll be a rock star in that hallway for my
sanity , for all of the therapists hard work , for my beautiful Dar who has
been present for every step I've taken , for my family and because I have gone and on and on about the importance of being a part of your recovery , for you my
dear survivors , for everyone who is even more scared than I am .
So get up off
your ass Phil , get involved ! Be strong, for them for her and especially for you.
I don’t want to fail but I'd rather pick myself back up (done that a few times
already) than, wonder if I could have. The voices in my head are all shouting
at once, with distinctly different character voices like a Pixar movie, "You
can't back down after telling folks they have to try!" "c'mon be a
man!!!”, "you have to be strong for Dar she was always strong for you!!!!!”,
"the parabus is already arranged!""They’re expecting you, it
would be rude!" (damned Canadian voice”.
since I moved to Stroke town, my
life has always been like this, with fear and indecision trying to steer the
ship and the old captain who was not afraid and made decisions seems to have
fallen overboard, well he may be off somewhere but stubborn pride still has a
room here and that voice is yelling "shut the hell up everyone, we're
going and we're going to nail it!”Tomorrow’s post is either going to be
triumphant as hell or pretty sheepish, either way I have to try. I'm going to
walk again! , it probably won’t be pretty, I won’t be doing a jeans commercial,
but the first and most important step is to get outa bed and try and I still
have a whole room full of try in here, so be tough, do it for you, stop looking
for the old you and give the new guy a kick in the ass, do it to shut up the Pixar
voices, someday we can both say "I did it!" as we walk together....
GET UP....! Phil
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