June 17
Guilt, not my first time
experiencing it certainly, but this time out it is different, another thing
that I still does, and I just do it differently.
As I have mentioned
previously, I have embarked on a new method of treatment for my pain, a
marijuana based treatment that has proven very successful, the pain ended
completely for a time, so abruptly that I felt the overwhelming realization
that I had stumbled on a secret, a truth that I was not supposed to know, how
could I have been in the care of so many health professionals and had the
solution to my pain, keep from me.
WHY? And now on to the guilt. Since being
visited by Mr. stroke, I have struggled daily with the feeling that I have
become a burden to my loved ones, confronted constantly with things I can no
longer do for myself, my darling wife does so, so much to keep me from these
feelings but the brain will do what it does, this brings me to the guilt, a
place I have come to know well and one I am apparently getting ready to build a
home in.
My struggle now revolves around the friends and family that I put at
risk of prosecution for the crime of helping me get relief from the pain, and
also for my sons, their wives and fiancée’s and the many members of the girl's
families who are present on this medium I have been using to air out my brain
and its difficulties.
I am worried about causing undue embarrassment and/or
discomfort in their new and blossoming lives; they fill me with so much pride
that I feel bad repaying with my issues. Each of my boys reacted to my voicing
of my guilt lately by saying the same thing, STOP THE PAIN ANY WAY YOU CAN!
Some fine upbringing there I must say. and I cannot say now without breaking
down in tears how much I appreciate them. Thank you boys.
This pain is not only
mine to fight , my angel Dar goes through it too , frustrated that she couldn’t
help me when it took over my life , she was the one who suggested this new
treatment (her sons can’t believe that !)
Once again I find my cranky ol ass in
the place it is least comfortable, with all of this guilt, drama and fear
revolving around me. despite what some of you believe I hate being the center
of attention , being a reason to work harder , or a source of difficulty , if
it helps to lighten the mood.
Here's a thing I told the kids it will be
funniest to those of you who know us well . I have watched my motivated ,
caring , lovingly responsible pillar of the community wife become very
accomplished at the rolling of Daddy's medicine , and with helping him take it
, so accomplished in fact that I have begun referring to her as "Cheech"It
is insane that we live in a world , in a time that relief like this is still
being denied to people in horrible pain , children wracked with terrible
seizures, loved ones that we would do anything to give relief , we can , if a
guy as cynical as I can be convinced to this degree , please know that there is
a truth out there being kept from you . By exploring this path on my own I have
a way to help look after those who care for me, once again I can help. Help
retain their peace of mind, to be the protector again Phil
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