She sits in her chair frustrated , so much work to in the
house ,out in the yard the laundry the dishes , no one helps or appreciates how
much she has done to surround them all with a beautiful , organized ,
functioning place to exist . She is tired, the phone in her hand is silent for
a moment, it’s not just the people near her that need her help. his
appointments need to be kept , the world
needs to keep turning so put your back into it there's work to be done .
He sits
on the bed behind her , senses her frustration and walks quietly up behind her
and in a loving way hugs her tense shoulders , kisses the top of her head and
whispers in her ear, "it's ok we'll get it done , I love you" There
it is , that moment is what my brain is aching for . the ability to give her
what she gives him, the love, reassurance and the reminder that the bond is
still strong, the burden is shared, "you are not alone " I had the
ability but maybe not the knowledge to be that man once, I shouldered my share
and had a spare caring hug and a whisper whenever required, she has always been
that way, an injury to her overtaxed brain couldn't stop her she is and has
always been strong enough for them both.
After the stroke the question started
to pop up in conversations more and more often "Are you depressed?" doctors,
nurses, therapists, always with the same, it's for your own good smile on their
faces. It has become a question I asked myself often, wondering if the waves of
emotion that wash over me constantly were an indication of the condition, but Google
says my incessant tears and emotional hills and valleys over little things is
common to folks like me, some deal with it for decades before finding the right
pharmaceutical cocktail to even it out.
while I have certainly asked myself why
I came back from the fog to my body and the overwhelming feeling of inability
and uselessness and I feel the guilt of not being there to pull my share of the
weight, I do not feel depressed, not despondent and fatalistic, I am not
"in a bad funk “I have my diagnosis, I am well aware of this condition, I
AM REALLY PISSED OFF!!!I
I resent my cowardly brain for abandoning ship before
it had sunk completely, I hate not being able to stem the flow of tears, I need
to walk over to this person who is my partner in this crazy life and tell her I
love her and kiss her head "you are not alone “I need to be a man again,
not for me but for her, for them, the kids, to be someone who can make a
difference again. Sure some of this is some jerk feeling sorry for himself I
say , hearing my own running commentary going in the background , but it’s also
some jerk who is feeling the weight of his own responsibility and is struggling
with how he can meet his obligations .
With how he can do that in this, incomplete,
in effective body. How do I help her? These are OUR problems OUR obligations
OUR row to hoe. I have begun the search for help mentally and may have to
resort to correcting pharmaceutically, but the real work to be done here is to
find a way to arrive at that place in my own thoughts, within that damned
cowardly traitorous brain, I am up to the battle I will have to endure to walk again,
to play guitar again but this one is a hard one and it means opening doors that
I wanted to keep locked, It may take awhile. I will be back to this safe place regularly,
opening the doors and stirring up the shit, ranting like a crazy old man. Honey
, I may not be completely the same person and I'm not standing behind you right
now with my arms open , but "you are not alone" and "I love
you" , back soon , Phil
No comments:
Post a Comment