Memories

June 24/15

As I woke up this morning I found myself standing once again in the hallway of memories that is my damaged brain, confronted yet again with a seemingly endless array of closed doors and the glaring absence of a simple and helpful YOU ARE HERE map. 

  It's authoritative red arrow showing me what's what, and where's where I guess, but this is not a place of maps and signposts, exploration here is done by feel and with an air of shock and surprise. I am standing in front of a specific door , not a new one that's for sure , a bit dusty , a little worn and very comfortable , it opens to a bedroom , a child's room a crib , a superman music boxy thing , made a special room by a decorator with a huge heart and a tiny budget , home ! This place is important, the very first place I ever told my Dar that "I love you”, glancing up quickly to gauge her reaction, is she shocked? Happy? laughing ?? I know I was shocked , not that I loved her but that I'd had the guts to say so , this is the one I will share with for the rest of my days , and so my friends , here we are at the start of today's explorations.

 I've yammered on about feeling like I lost a bit of the old me when strokezilla destroyed Tokyo and about the frustrations involved in trying to get the old you back , the loneliness ,emptiness , about letting go of all that and starting over with a new you , the physical barriers and limitations are tough to overcome , real tough , but the battle inside your head is the toughest and it carries with it the most collateral damage , both to you and your loved ones , I have lived and existed in a very solitary manner at several intervals of my former life , but I was never truly alone.

 Dar was always there sharing and living it all along side me through everything , she knew the old me too , was married to him for decades putting up with all his shit , do I need to find old Phil for her ? She lost someone too we both had a lot invested in that union, and we've both had brain injuries! Are we both the same kids who wanted to be together always? 

Are we essentially cheating on our old selves now? I have a hard time putting my finger on exactly what is missing in my brain pan , but I know what remains , the guy that is sitting here now has that same wild desire to blurt out "I love you" right now , there , he just did. and for the permanent record, she wasn’t shocked this time either.

 The battle we are all waging right now fellow survivors is not our own, the people who care about you have a stake in the outcome it's important to feel occasionally like the you of old, but it’s not only important for you, so before you shoot your mouth off, lash out or give your frustration an escape remember the other soldiers in the foxhole, just as tired and battle scarred, sometimes more so! Be strong! Becomes Be strong enough! For you, for her, him for them, for us. Now we all have things that can make us doubt, or back peddle a bit, but for me a fight isn’t one of them, I like a good scrap, that didn’t change. See you when the bell rings Phil