June 25/15

I had the opportunity to meet someone today who had been in a terrible accident and come out of the fog with no memory at all eventually regaining some of the long term. 

I was reminded of the most frustrating aspect of brain injury for me , the loss of a part of one's self to the extent that I have and still do suffer through bouts of lonliness.

 Yes thats right , as ridiculous as it sounds I can feel like I miss myself , the ways I felt and acted and reacted for over 50 yearsone reason why despite my ranting to the contrary I will continue to keep an eye out for the ol Phil , he was too stubborn and opinionated to just go away because he was told or expected to.

 I've gone on about this subject several times and obviously have a great deal to add so if any of you out there in the blasted brain landscape have more to throw into the mix please do , or any questions that the doctors have explained and you feel left with the deep seated need for a grumpy old bastard's opinion , send them to me , would be glad to give one of the rarest of resources out there , information . 

oh , I tried to pump them all , docs , therapists , nurses , saying,"I know you can't predict what will happen next but , I assume you have been at your job for quite a while and that you are good at it , so based on your opinion how do you see this playing out ?"  Never worked for me , but an unexpected visit one day from a fellow survivor and member of a stroke awareness group gave me a wonderful gift , info !!! 

 "

hey, your hand looks loose , at least its not clenched like mine was " or , "my leg was the same but look at me now " (not even a cane ! it was phenomenal , actual knowledge , the absense tf the old chestnut "well that's very common in stroke victims , but everyone is different " BS , SO IF i CAN HELP ANY RAYS OF INSIGHT FIND THEIR WAY THROUGH THE MIST i'D BE HAPPY TO DO SO , iI've done my time in the prison of frustration and I prefer the light too . It is gonna get better , maybe only because you will be tougher from the battle but you figured it all out as a baby , with a new brain that was fresh out of the package , still had that new brain smell ) , so you are already well on your way to re-training it. so let me know , the best thing I heard in my hospital time came from someone saying just what I am now , just ask , being helped changed me , maybe it's contagious.

Phil