I was raised to be among other
things "useful". Simple tasks like "Phil, get my friends and I
some beers" or: Phil, run up to the store and get mom and I some cigarettes”.
I was given a wristwatch and instructed as to its use to both know the correct
time and date but to be useful when someone asked for this information. like
kids today I had access to a mobile phone , that were all over the place housed in
7 foot tall lighted booths with an enclosed set of instructions and a huge
contacts list. I also had an on board GPS called a memory that helped me find
my way back home but to again be useful in case a complete stranger needed
directions in the area.
Along with these tools I received the information
about the importance of punctuality, as a way to be helpful, as a way to show
politeness and to show respect to those who had granted you an appointment. I
was expected to be useful in other ways as well. to cut the lawn and to shovel
the driveway as well as those belonging to my neighbours when they connected
with ours and I was expected to do these things punctually and for the same reasons.
I have mentioned all of this because it helps to give weight to one of the most
arduous struggles of late. before being struck down by stroke I was essentially
a useful human, I was always available to do my best when work called me, I
shovelled , I mowed not quite as punctually as I was trained to , but with the
same quality of work , I did household repairs , again in a more
procrastinating way,, but I was Useful ... I am now in a place where I must do
the unthinkable, I have to ask for help , to depend on others to accomplish
simple tasks .
I die a bit inside when my wife comes to bed sore from
shovelling or raking . I even have trouble answering questions like " do
you want to do something, because I am incapable of accomplishing it without
assistance, I need help to do things I have essentially done alone for 50ish
years I am fighting against not only who I was for so long but of how I (feel I
should be and even how I was raised. It is difficult. I struggle with it and I
will win. I will never let this be all I am, I WILL ONCE AGAIN BE USEFUL. .I
have included a photo of myself cleverly taken with a mobile phone of me and
one of the mobile phones of my youth , in a nasty little bit of irony I had to
call my wife and ask her to help me post the picture...sigh , back to rant later ,
Phil
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