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When one partner suffers a stroke; life is turned upside down, but when you have both partners who have been struck with a serious illness; it can be a devastating blow I was the first one at 47 years of age to suffer with what doctors call a series of thunderclap migraines which resulted in a bleed on the right side of my brain a Cerebral Hemorrhage). After a long series of tests, MRI's, and CT scans, the doctors referred to my "stroke" as "Call Fleming Syndrome"; The date was November 19, 2011. I will never forget that day. Then on July 29, 2014 Phil at 53 was struck down with a massive stroke which resulted in a bleed in the (Basal Ganglia) this was a day that dampened what was the beginning of a joyous summer ;( we had two sons marry Nick in June and Cory in July) This blog voices Phil's experiences on learning to live and walk again. We hope to share our story , experiences, frustrations, and how we have had to struggle, but at the same time still find joy in being together and being alive will help others not only find hope but better understand what a stroke is and steps to take to help avoid one. Each day we find new reasons to get up and do it all again.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

New Brain

I reached a point a while ago , dont remember exactly when it happened , but I went from looking at everything , every new feeling , challenge , question that I was confronted with changed .

 I went from asking "how will this new experience affect me ?" to asking "how will this new thing be affected by me ? , how will my myriad of care requirements , mobility issues , exercises impact this new development "?from how will I be impacted ? to how will I impact , I need to reduce the burden of my existance , to minimize the need that seems to accompany me now. my wonderful wife reminds me that I felt ready to do anything she required when our situations were reversed and I am fortunate that none of those who are most profoundly impacted by my issues have ever complained about the responsibility , nor did I when I was in their shoes.

 I do feel like an anchor tied around the neck of my family but I have always felt loved , very much so , the segments of my self that did not return after the stroke coupled with the changes in my appearance have made me question my instincts , as I wander the terrain of my brain's damaged landscape have left me less than confident in the thin guy with his hand on the tiller in the wheelhouse.

 I knew the old captain so well , knew his habits , temper and preferrances , I knew what kind of seas were ahead by his moods and the sound of his voice , not too sure about the new fella , seems to be a "screw it ! peddle to the metal kinda dude though. I dont know how I really feel about the new brain I have , its sorta familiar , it really loves Dar , the old one and I had a 50 year history together so I trusted him to act like Phil , now I worry that the new one will act too uncharacteristically different to the love of my life , this is all so confusing for us both , I need for her to know that all of us regardless of what brains we have left are so deeply and madly in love with her and need to draw on her boundless well of strength to get by .

 Hey ! this is my first time being in love with this new brain even though there is still a young guy in here that remembers how breathtaking she was on her wedding day , watched her bring his beautiful family into this world , somehow we need to be "him" for her , confusing for a guy like me , "us" I need to build a bridge in here , to connect the differing aspects of the shattered me , she put herself together so perfectly for me in this same damned place , and so , while you wander the blasted expanse of strokeland , I'll be the cranky lookin , pirate ish guy in front of the flower store , say "hi" and wish me luck...Phi
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